Have any forum members been in abusive relationships or know of anybody who has been in a abusive relationships?

Did you know over two women per week are killed by current or ex-partners, and that one in four women in the UK will experience domestic violence in their lifetime?

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_t...ion=0001000100220041

humanspirit wrote:
Yes, I have been in abusive relationships..which is why I have now decided to stay single.

Abuse takes many forms...sometimes so subtle that it takes time to recognise it.

I was in a very abusive relationship for 12yrs...he continued to hound me for another 10yrs after I had left him.

pheony wrote:
Sorry to hear that pheony,do you have any support from anybody,do you feel there is enough help out there?

You might be very independent so no offense intended about the support part.

humanspirit wrote:
Thank you, but it was a long time ago now.

I steered clear of any relationships for a long time after that, but did allow myself to get involved with someone else when I felt that I had dealt with the past...only to see familiar traits start to surface in this individual...luckily this ended before it turned nasty..which I'm pretty sure it would have.

It's very hard to support an abused woman or man for that fact, because they are usually in love with their abuser and until such time that they are ready to leave and get help many won't accept help. Yes, they may leave or call the police, but many go back and drop charges ( I think the police will charge an abuser without the abused pressing charges now though)

I did speak with the past partners of the man who abused me for 12yrs (they had had children with him) and he had been even more abusive to them..one had even left the country to get away from him.

Other than shelters for battered women I'm not sure what other help there is.

I don't trust relationships anymore and am much happier on my own....No nasty surprises.

Yes.

No.

WUM.

yes a six week relationship turned into years of hell.

Thought this was a serious thread oi.

humanspirit wrote:
One of the neighbours that i share a fence with, she killed her abusive partner when she lived somewhere else. She seems like a nice woman also. She moved in with her new partner who already lived there.

I dont know too much about it, but nothing much happened to her from a legal pov, as it was proven she was constantly being beaten and it was self defence.

pheony wrote:

thoreau wrote:
Sorry to hear about that thoreau.

I am presuming it was a male partner,would you say it has tainted the way you view all men or do you judge all men as individuals?

Yes... knew him for 10 years but never saw that side of him til we lived together and were alone. He's back to doing what he does after getting kicked out, dealing drugs and being a pain in my ass everywhere I go it seems.

It happens to men too, not just women. Some guys get in a bad relationship, with women (or men) and end up being abused, it's not talked about as much so it doesn't seem like it happens as much though.

humanspirit wrote:
the experience has definitely changed me in that whilst I take everyone male or female on their individual merits I am hyper vigilant for the signs and find confrontation, aggression and anger incredibly unsettling and difficult to cope with. Sometimes I have a 'fuck it' I wont let him win attitude which ends up in my not letting go of silly little things and others times I am totally passive and insular. I have awful flashbacks and have been known to go around checking everywhere (including that little compartment in the fridge for ice) in order to reassure myself that he is not hiding in the house again. Though this has gotten lesser since he has been in prison. I find it almost impossible to fall asleep without a light on and the radio or some random documentary playing.

I wont answer the phone unless i know who is calling - similarly I wont answer the door unless I am expecting a visitor - nor do I open my post.

So from what i can gather it's quite a common thing to happen in relationships that one of the people involved can be an abuser,usually the male?yet i was ridiculed when i told the forum that in 20 years i had conversed with at least five women who had been abused?

What underlying factors do forum members think cause these types of behavior by partners?

Do you think it is a lack of communication skills on behalf of the abusers about their feelings etc,personally i wonder if allot of the reasons aren't just the abuser not being able to control other aspects of their life such as work problems,money problems and so the abuser uses the closest person to them to vent their anger or frustration on in a physical way?

sorry for not replying to each individual who has commented personally,my communications skills are quite poor via forums on a multi conversational level.

i think its people want to be in power over someone else cos they are broken inside. i think you're right about control, the only control they think they have over their life is controlling someone elses. nature, nurture, mommy/daddy issues, repressed homosexuals. theres probably as many reasons as there are people going round doing shit like that.