This story I am about to recount is to the best of my knowledge entirely true. I wasn't there alas but a close and trusted friend Trickydickythethickybricky was the sole witness to what transpired that fateful rainy Tuesday afternoon. For all involved it was if not a Life changing event then something that will linger in the subconscious,for two racking sobs of incredulity in the darkest hours before the dawn,for two childish fits of giggles until asthma attacks ensue.
I had a flat. It was very nice 1st floor spacious living room with a four poster bed,a clean bathroom and spotless kitchen. Unfortunately the walls and floor are paper thin and since it's right above the landlady's dress shop incredible measures needed to be taken in order not to be heard. Especially from the hours of 9 to 5. As an example of the poor sound protection one night I had a giggle filled commentary from the scumbag neighbours above when mounting Miss Pleasance a young lady friend who was embarrassingly enthusiastic. The Mariah Carey of Nookie Yodelling. After failing to convince her that sticking my fingers in my ears was a Tantric position I moved out saying, “Fuck this for a game of soldiers!”. And my friend “The Bum Sniper”,moved in.
Now the landlady was a family friend a good hearted warm lady with a fatal flaw. She never stops talking. In the same way a Digeridoo Player circulates breath she somehow ends each sentence with “And”. One spoken sentence can last hours inducing sore necks from constant nodding and nervous exhaustion. And any customer that went in would be held hostage by virtue of politeness for hours. Even worse she had one friend who was equally as loquacious which for the tenant above was a highly distressing experience 6 days a week.
My friend Bum Sniper had been there for a few weeks biting his tongue, keeping the tv low,not plugging in his guitar amp and forcing all his guests to speak quietly. But as my friend Trickydickythethickybricky told me one afternoon while he was there Bum Sniper had an Epiphany!
They were sitting in the room the conversation had trailed away between them. The spirit of the discussion had been broken by the two ladies nattering non stop below. Some time passed as they sat there staring into the middle distance. The silence interrupted by ,”Youneveryouwhathesaidshesaidohyoudon'tsaywellIneversendemallbackneverlikedthelookofhimshe'sgotanherniayouknowhystericalrectomynoyesnoyeswhatcarshegotafordpoodleorisitakaoohIlikethemyounevershesaidhesaidmyhusbandsbeendonefordoggingmyhusbandsbeenforthesnipwellineverhealwaysleftthetoiletseatbackhitlerhadtherightideaabouttoiletseatsdidhenobaddoggydownsafinepieceofassisn'theyesheisbumsnipersacheatingrandyoldgoatwhohadacabbagewrappedupinnewspaperforchristmasbecausehe'ssuchatotalnobhowsyouruncledeadisheyeswhendidthathappentwentysixyearsagoyousenileoldfartwhothehellareyoutalkingtooyouscraggycowputthekettleonIrepeatmyselfunderstressIrepeatmyselfunderstress...”
And Bum Sniper stood up eyes bloodshot and thyroidy with murderous intensity he looked Trickydickythethickybricky in the eyes and said the fatal words.
“Watch THIS!”
He waddled like Danny Dyer into the middle of the Room pushed as much debris as he could with a swipe of his foot clearing a good square foot of lino. He then pulled his trousers and calvin klein boxers down with one flowing deft motion, and sat squelching his buttocks into the floor as tightly as the gluteus maximus muscles could allow and farted. HARD!!! Imagine the roar of a 1500 horsepower motorbike engine forced into a paper thin floor reverberating in Atomic ripples of seismic energy through the lino,walls,ceiling. The force of the gust howling back into the room from the old fireplace amplified so hard it made their trouser hems flap! One huge proud parp of Rebellion! A sudden outpouring of weeks of resentment and pent up rage! The kind of roar that brought down the Walls of Jericho! Oh can you even picture the divine victory?
Those three seconds of Freedom were soon over. The Bum Sniper was spent heaving for breath exhausted but enveloped in a satisfied glow of perspiration. Trickydickythethickybricky was about to laugh but Bum Sniper went “No! Listen!” cupping his ear with his hand cocking his head to the side and turning his eyes up to the ceiling in expectation.
Down below.... Silence. Seconds passed three? Four? And it was then they heard two old ladies shriek in stunned incredulity... “What was That?!?”. At which point Bum Sniper knew he could pass out on the floor spent but content as Trickydickythethickybricky screamed with uncontrollable laughter into a cushion.
Nothing was ever said the events were never alluded to but the Landlady never spoke in the shop again as long as he was there, or looked him in the eye. But now my friends you know what happened you weren't there or saw it but you will never forget the Day the Walls Shook.
