Just fancied a chat with other members about something and maybe some advice.

I decided to blow off certain 'friends' who I considered to be toxic and the friendships weren't making me happy. Quite the opposite actually. This was about 4 years ago, and I assumed that I would naturally meet lots of new groovy friends to replace the people I had cut off. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.

I had always been a bit of a doormat and a 'yes' person and I don't know what changed, but I've no problem cutting people dead if they upset me now. Perhaps I have gone too far the other way. I moved to a new area and I've made a couple of really good friends, but my other mates are back where I used to live and I really miss them and don't get the chance to see them very often. I suppose I enjoy my own company much more nowadays, but I'm sort of pissed off that I haven't replaced all the old crappy friends with nice new ones.

Sometimes I worry that I've turned into a misanthropic old git these days, as I'm far less tolerant of people's bullshit.

Has anyone else been through this and how did things pan out?

I hear ya, Lesley!

Don't fret too much, though. I find that people tend to come along when you least expect them, and they're usually the ones that turn out to be worth a bit of effort (though usually, if they're meant to be there, they won't be any effort at all).

I noticed you said that you missed your old friends. If that's the case, why not get back in touch? At least you can keep them at a reasonable distance now, with your move and all?

I only really have one or two very good friends, that I see regularly, and that's how I like it. I did try making some new ones a little while ago, but it all went Pete Tong, and I just ended up becoming a bit of a doormat again. Tis the nature of a lot of folks these days, unfortunately.

You do have all of us too though. We really should make more of an effort to all meet up, I reckon.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
There's two sides to that coin girl. I cut back on all the crap from people years ago and haven't looked back. Can't remember if it was a bit 'rough' to begin with or not as it was so long ago now... but I do know, that nowadays, I'm alot more content with me.
I refuse point blank to indulge myself around people that quite honestly, I could see far enough. What's the point?

Saying all that - my best mate of the last 21years is a very close friend but we are so bloody different it causes quite major rifts and arguments from time to time. Thankfully it isn't often but the result is, is that I don't speak to her about ANY of the stuff I do online or feel passionate about anymore because she just doesn't get it. It's not worth the hassle. Now and then things do come up and it always goes wrong.

It's quite odd the way it still works if I'm honest.... I suppose it boils down to be being able to 'switch' when I'm required to

Reading back over that, I've no idea if there's advice there or not girl

The Morrisey.

Think about it Lesley...could you really be arsed? I have and I couldn't. That's why I'm always on here mithering you lot.

Thanks Abs and Sketts

The mates I miss back in the South East aren't the toxic ones, and I do keep in touch, but we don't meet up as often as I'd like to. I have some other old friends who have also moved far away. Thank fuck for the internet.

I know what you mean Sketts, I am much happier with me, but sometimes worry that I should be more of a social butterfly type. I used to be a very social and outgoing person, but people can change.

Abs, thanks, there are some cracking people on this forum, such as your good selves. Most of you in fact. You're probably right, the people I cut out were the sort of friends I could do without, it's much better to have a couple of the genuine article.

I've cut out a load of people who were just users, one way and another. The only thing is, when you're past your teens, and especially if you've a family, it's not that easy to meet new people to make friends with.

I still keep in touch with a mate I was at school with, but that's about it.

I've no regrets about ditching the others though - you get sick of permanently being at their beck & call, and them never being around when you need a friend.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
I can still do this.

You won't lose your ability to be socialable girl - it's just like putting it on top of the wardrobe until you need it... or something like that

G'day LesleyPumpshaft.

Firstly, you have to live with you 24/7. So, if you are happy with you, then that's what really matters.

Secondly, a relationship is what it is. The length of it, or how often you interact with the other individual, doesn't determine if it is a 'successful' or 'good' relationship. That's determined by whether or not each of you have the freedom to be yourselves within the relationship.

Thirdly, I'd personally prefer to have one or a few friends that I have the freedom to be myself with than a lot of individuals that really amount to acquaintances where I'd have to watch my P's and Q's. It's a matter of quality over quantity.

^ That.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote: Exactly the same way as you! It's quite difficult to make permanent friends when you're in your thirties, and I find that I really do not have a great deal in common with the general public. In my case, my friends weren't poisonous, it just became obvious to me that if I didn't make the effort to see them, then I wouldn't see them at all, and I grew to resent this, so just stopped seeing them.

I believe that being a misanthrope comes from idealism. You start off with an idealistic, principled view of how the world should be and how people should behave towards one another, and are constantly disappointed, until you just can't suffer fools gladly any more. That's how I feel about it, anyway.

If people made me feel uncomfortable , I would gladly keep them at arms length.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:

Lesley I know how you feel myself being a doormat and easy touch, and sucker, overly sympathetic, and a bad judge of character, this had caused me to have bad experiences with some friends,but I am getting more of the ability to say no to people who give me some sob story.

My sis is the opposite she is analytical and has a harder nature than me, and sees through people better,and can read a good person or bad one better than me, and knows if their for real or not

I've been in this position a few times Lesley and it gets easier each time.
Leechers play on your apparent tolerance and acceptance, they're not 'friends' and never will be so get shot of them.

In my experience a 'friend' is someone who will happily put themselves out to be around you or support you when/if you need it.
You do each other good.

Building the trust that friendship depends upon takes time and as we get older we tend to have less time or opportunity to meet new folks and get close enough to them to develop that.

Keep in mind that other people have also had similar experiences and may be a little more reserved than they would have been previously about trusting others.

So as we get older we all become a little more discerning and cautious because it's better than being naive and suffering the hurt.

Anyhow. I think you're sound.

p.s.
but if you need money you can fuck-right-off, I'm skint!

feather wrote:

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
Before I moved abroad I had literally dozens of pals and they would frequently come round for beers, perhaps a bbq and all sorts of stuff.
After I moved I only had 1 family who kept in touch with me and ironically enough they owned a small biz where I used to work and still keep in touch as I said and have even visited etc. I also got invaluable advice of the guy about how to run my own biz over here. They're geordies but proper salt of the earth type, it's a shame I had to leave but they were always honest with me and appreciated what I was doing, even admired it.

I guess I found out who were really friends. In the end I wouldn't worry about it, it might take years but geniune friends come along in time. Ones you can really rely on rather than the sort who just pretend for as long as you put them up and sort them grub and booze etc are very rare.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
I can relate to this almost exactly.

All i can say is once we get over age 30 and cut off alot of friends from our teen's and 20's things change.

None of us get to go back and be young again so meeting new people is like a whole new world.

Sometimes you know someone who always has remained the same through the years, where as you have grown or matured through life experiences, and you see this person with more clarity,and realize you must have been a idiot yourself when you first got to know each other and hung out together.

I've had to drop a lot of friendships over the years and I've always seen it as just moving on.
I grew out of the years yet 2 decades on my friends at the time are still the same people. Over the last 10 years chums have married off, raised children and are happy in their in-law-lunch and domestic groove thing and others have a mind set and outlook that's a bit too blinkered for my comfort. It's narrowed down the range of people I feel really comfortable with but I'm content with that and it feels right as well.
Family? That's another matter. If I had the reciept I trade them in for store credit.

Wtf is a "friend"?

Thanks for your replies. I've tried to reply to your replies a few times now, but each time I got interrupted.

I also have nothing to do with my brother now either and tbh I don't feel bad about it at all. To cut a long story short, I put him up when he split up with his Eastern European girlfriend and moved back to the UK jobless and penniless. He borrowed loads of money off me (spent it on coke and hash) and generally took the piss. I was a single mum at the time and struggling financially. Basically I think he's a bit of a cunt and he has never said sorry (or made any effort to pay me back), despite having a baby now. My mum and dad are hurt that I wont see him and his baby, and apparently he is too. I don't give a fuck really, and I can't see why I would care about that, or travel 200 miles to see his offspring and waste my money on the petrol. Like hugo said, you don't choose family, but then you don't have to see them either if you don't like them. Are my feelings unreasonable? I don't think so really, because despite what others have said, I won't regret it when I'm older. On the contrary, I regret not fucking the piss taking little bastard off sooner!

Maybe I am hardened and cynical these days, but if someone oversteps the mark I just go cold on them. I hate arguments and confrontations, so as far as I'm concerned their cuntery is noted and then they are no longer part of my existance.

Luckily I do have some really good friends, a couple of new ones, as well as some very old ones, and I can be myself with them all.