I was bored today, so I wrote some.
Holidaymakers, develop a ‘beach body’ by (a) being a human-being and thus having a body, and (b) going to a beach.
Fans of the X-Factor and Britain’s got Talent, avail yourself of the need to wait for a new episode each week by recording Simon Cowell telling someone that they’d just given the worst singing performance that he’s ever witnessed, and playing it over and over again instead.
Shop workers, find favour with the general public by conducting lengthy conversations with colleagues and completely ignoring customers who are waiting to be served.
Followers of fashion, save yourself the trouble of keeping up with the latest trends by buying clothing in every possible colour this year, thus ensuring that at least some of it will still be in fashion next year.
Bands who attend England football matches, ensure that the experience of attending or watching England games on TV is hugely enjoyable by only learning how to play three songs and playing the theme from ‘The Great Escape’ over and over again throughout entire matches.
People who like cars and enjoy driving, enhance the quality of your life by not stopping at your destination when you arrive there, and simply carrying on driving instead.
Male bartenders, increase your popularity with your regulars by ignoring the ten blokes who have been stood waiting to be served for ten minutes and serving the one attractive woman who’s just turned up.
Kelis, maintain your hegemony over the milkshake market by refusing to teach anyone how to make milkshakes, even if they offer you a fee.
Young women, delude yourself into believing that you’re popular and interesting by buying two mobile phones and constantly sending yourself text messages, especially when someone’s trying to have a conversation with you.
Golf fans, fill the weeks between golf tournaments on TV by capturing hundreds of hours of jittery footage of the sky with a camcorder and watching that instead.
Argos shoppers, make yourself popular with other people in the store by ordering an incredibly obtuse item that takes ages to arrive, while being accompanied by screaming babies and completely out of control toddlers that you make no effort to discipline.
Middle-aged people, make yourself appear to be #suffering from a #mid-life crisis, by #ruining normal sentences like this.
