As the festival-marketing season begins, the organisers of the new event claim to have concocted the ultimate pretentious weekend for utterly dreadful people.

Festival ‘curator’ Tom Logan said: “My friends and I wanted to create something for ourselves – a right bunch of wealthy jumped-up media twats with a ridiculous sense of entitlement and legions of horrible mop-headed children, all of whom are called Mungo.

“We would probably get punched at Latitude. Honestly, we’re that bad.

“Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is a combination of all the most annoying, smug, po-faced aspects of festival culture into a smorgasbord of heavily-branded twatness.

“There will be deerstalker hats, depressingly nostalgic 90s dance acts – we’ll probably go with Faithless, who are now old enough to be considered ironic – and some fucking thing called The Mystic Dell.

“We’ve got people with moustaches playing gypsy jazz records on a gramophone while the Wombles perform a burlesque routine, stupid fucking food stalls where you can buy a ‘hand-raised’ pie with an infantile name, and luxury woodland play areas where horrible designer-clad infants can kick frogs while giggling.

“It will be a hybrid of Waitrose and The Wicker Man.

“Also there will be macaroon biscuits. And people wearing fox masks, just prancing around aimlessly.”

He added: “But the Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat isn’t just about twats. There’s also plenty for pricks, like a bicycle-power retro puppet eco-show that reworks Punch and Judy as an environmental fable.

“There will be stalls. We don’t know what they’ll be selling but everything will be a tenner.”

Music fan Emma Bradford said: “I’m going to spend that weekend in West London as it will have become temporarily pleasant.”

An estimated 15,000,000 have promised to cavort on Baroness Thatcher’s grave, without stopping to consider the practicalities.

A Health & Safety Executive spokesman said: “It’s not the Ministry of Sound or something, it’s going to be some sort of oblong roughly the size of an old lady.

“We’re concerned about levels of overcrowding and also the slipperiness as people fulfill their secondary aim of urinating on the former PM’s remains.

“It’s a potential disaster zone. Thatcher’s grave could be the biggest threat to the NHS since Thatcher.”

54-year-old Julian Cook said: “I always used to go on about this in the pub so I feel a bit obliged, but I’m starting to think I might look weird dancing on a grave. I mean, I’ve got grown-up kids.

“Also the only dance I can do is this thing where I waggle my shoulders and make odd pointing gestures. And a bit of salsa.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford was also concerned: “What will we actually dance to?

“You can’t really dance to Billy Bragg, and much as I hated Thatcher I can’t bring myself to download any Chumbawamba.

“To be honest I might just stay in and watch telly.”

Such irreverence!






Love it.

Alexander Ferguson, a Glaswegian, will be released during the summer, with experts warning of a devastating effect on tourism, the economy and everything else.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The one thing that puts people off visiting Britain is the very real prospect of being accosted in the street by an inexplicably furious Scotsman.

“Football clubs have proved to be very effective at containing belligerent Scottish people who would otherwise be free to vent their spleen in a public space.

“The football clubs should be forced to keep them, for ever, in a gated community where they can scream at each other and work on their endless, incomprehensible grudges.”

Meanwhile, Ferguson’s release has prompted golf clubs across the UK to draw up contingency plans in case they become the venue for his ongoing campaign of terror.

Martin Bishop, secretary of Hatfield Golf and Country Club, said: “We have taken down our website and prepared temporary signage to make the place look like a garden centre.”

Bishop added: “He now has the chance to travel. They should put him on the Orient Express so he can call everyone in Venice a bastard.”

As Tory backbenchers threatened to wreck the gay marriage bill, gay people said they would redouble their commitment to giving each other world class orgasms.

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, said: “I want to assure those Tory MPs who think the status of my relationship is somehow their business that I can barely walk this morning.

“We were at it for hours last night and are now both severely drained of fluids.

“And we’re not even married. It feels so wrong.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Perhaps they thought that by opposing gay marriage they could ‘stem the tide’. Well, they’re not stemming my tide. It was all over the shop last night.

“Turns out I’m even gayer than I thought. Jesus Christ.”

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “My girlfriend and I have been left with no choice but to play with each other’s vaginas in a way that would make Philip Hammond wish he had one.

“We had hoped to use our time undermining traditional marriage, but instead we will be forced to concentrate on coming like a pair of blissful nutters.”

Tim Loughton, one of the Tory backbenchers who wants to win by cheating, said: “Please stop being like this.”

DAVID Cameron has admitted that he is the senior Tory who called activists ‘swivel-eyed loons’.

Confirming that he ‘hates every last fucking one of them’, the prime minister said he now wished he had chosen a different career.

Speaking to ITV’s This Morning, he said: “I actually called them ‘swivel-eyed motherfuckers with brains full of goat piss’.

“The Telegraph changed it to ‘loons’ because Telegraph readers are the sort of people who get terribly offended at the word ‘motherfuckers’.”

Grabbing Holly Willoughby by the wrist, he said: “You want to try sounding sympathetic while they spout their endless, shit-filled opinions about Europe and gay marriage.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some fanny-arsed liberal, but fuck me if these people haven’t escaped from somewhere.

“If I thought I could get away with it I’d push them off a fucking cliff.”

Looking into the camera, the prime minister continued: “Go and join UKIP then, you bunch of mouth-breathing dipshits. Try and out crazy each other until you fall to the ground, writhing and speaking in tongues like some mental, Southern Baptist weirdo.”

ENGLAND has told the English Defence League that they can stop trying to defend it now.

No ta

No ta

The ancient nation is embarrassed that other countries think it needs the help of some scrawny, misspelled tattoo carriers who reek of chip fat.

England said: “Having mosques built on you actually feels quite nice – when they all kneel to pray it’s like having a back massage.

“And at my age you’re glad of the company, so immigration doesn’t bother me. The more the merrier as long as they’re not French.”

The nation added: “If the EDL really wants to defend somebody I’m sure Wales could do with all the help it can get. And ‘wdl’ is actually the Welsh word for an undescended testicle, so that dovetails nicely.”

England has also asked the RAF to drop EDL members into Afghanistan so they can fight all the Muslims they want while being cut to pieces in a hail of bullets.

The specimens will be enticed into the back of a Hercules transport plane using a trail of deep-fried turkey parts.

An MoD spokesman said: “They’ll each be given a case of Stella and directions to the nearest Taliban headquarters.

“At which point they will be free to engage in a lively debate about culture.”

England said: “Having mosques built on you actually feels quite nice – when they all kneel to pray it’s like having a back massage.

Gilly wrote:
Loving the grave dancing smiley.

Leading anti-government groups have said that although they are personally committed to non-violence, British package tourists would have no qualms about kneeing police in the genitals.

A spokesman said: “It’s a ‘nuclear option’, but we have allies within the tourist industry who could cut off the supply of chips and Stella to Marmaris within 48 hours.

“When the 18-30 hordes start asking questions, we just blame the government.

“These people do not run from water cannons, rather they just stand there with their mouths open and say ‘Put it there, Stavros’.

“And tear gas? To a woman smoking sixty Lambert & Butler a day, it does not even make the mascara run.

“They are like the beserkers of Norse mythology, but fatter and more sunburned.”

The Turkish government has so far taken a hard line against the protesters, but admits concessions may be offered if threats to stop vital shipments of Bacardi Breezers are carried out.

Prime Minister Erdogan admitted: “Turkey survived invasions by Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan. But if the alcohol stops flowing in Dalaman, my country will be laid waste in a matter of hours.”

Former Club Reps Uncut cast member Tom Logan said: “I don’t know what secular means but I’ll happily fight to the death for a kebab with all the trimmings on it.

“And then I will get my arse out.”

“These people do not run from water cannons, rather they just stand there with their mouths open and say ‘Put it there, Stavros’.

The establishments were visited by the gangster immediately after his arrival, who commented what a terrible thing it would be if something happened to them.

St Peter said: “He’s currently sat in shorts, watching the ducks fly below him and waiting for Tony Blundetto to turn up with the canoles.

“Soprano is actually a very sweet guy but when I told him his mother was up here waiting to see him he went berserk before passing out. When it happened the Holy Ghost was all like ‘hey, what the fuck?’”

Heaven is now heavily unionised, with several members of the choir of angels having been badly beaten after trying to cross a picket line.

Although still ostensibly the supreme being, it’s believed that God is running decisions past Soprano first.

All new entries into heaven have to be discussed in the back room of the afterlife’s first strip club, ‘The Ba-Da-Beatitude’, with Christians that have paid their proper afterlife protection rates given preferential treatment.

The Pope is due to have a sit-down with Soprano later this week to agree a new crop of ‘made’ saints, with a 57-year-old New Jersey man named Silvio a surprise candidate after making a truck full of fur coats miraculously disappear.

St Peter added: “The advantage of him being here for all eternity is that he’ll never leave in a cut-to-black scene that really pisses us off.”