Syria's civil war will witness slightly fewer explosions after MPs voted to keep British bombs for something else.

Prime minister David Cameron pleaded with MPs to back his plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

But 30 Conservative backbenchers defied Mr Cameron and backed Labour’s plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

Mr Cameron said: “Syria needs more explosions.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband replied: “Syria needs more chin-scratching.”

MPs on both sides then spent the next nine hours shouting ‘bombs’ and ‘chins’ at each other.

Julian Cook, professor of collateral damage at Roehampton University, said: “The Americans now face the financial burden of adding those 500 additional explosions to Syria.

“But they’ll do it because, given the opportunity, an American will always make something explode.”

Professor Cook added: “If we genuinely want to help we should hire 500 or so luxury liners to accommodate Syria’s children and sane adults. It would be like Dunkirk except the boats wouldn’t really go anywhere.

“Then we build a wall round Syria, wait until the last nutter shoots himself in the face and then the people on the ships can go home.

“Eventually we are going to have to try that.”

Consumers have demanded that shops immediately start selling Christmas stuff.

Supermarkets, department stores and the remaining branches of HMV faced angry protests at the weekend from shoppers frustrated at their inability to buy goods featuring pictures of snowmen.

Hotel worker Emma Bradford said: “Look at the calendar, Tesco. Count the days, Debenhams. It’s September the fucking 16th.

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s Christmas.

“You can chuck all the barbecue and back to school shit in a skip for all I care, but I want to see those seasonal aisles fully tinselled by the end of the day or I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

Tom Logan of Northampton agreed: “I was shopping for jeans the other day and I had this empty, desolate feeling, like a shrieking void in my very soul.

“Then I realised it was because I hadn’t heard Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You for more than eight months.”

A spokesman for the National Retail Federation admitted that its members had failed a mince pie-deprived nation: “We have staff working overnight painting snow on top of lettering on biscuit tins to meet consumer demand.

“The British public will be provided with all the festive excuses for grotesque overconsumption that it so desperately needs.”

However electrician Joseph Turner said: “Fuck Christmas. What I want to know is why aren’t there any bloody Creme Eggs in the shops when I want one?”

Most Britons are good-natured morons rather than unpleasant bigots, it has been claimed.

New research has found that most prejudice is caused by an unquestioning belief in total nonsense rather than hatred.

Sociologist Emma Bradford said: “People’s reservations about issues like gay marriage were often due to weird misconceptions, such as thinking the 1989 TV show Sticky Moments with Julian Clary was a realistic depiction of gay life.

“Views on immigration were equally confused, with many people believing immigrants now make up the entire population, something that can easily be disproved by simply going outside and looking around.

“In fact, much opposition to immigration was based on things that no one in their right mind should be bothered about anyway, such as a Polish shop replacing the local branch of Spud-U-Like, which had closed down anyway.

“On a more positive note, there was a decrease in prejudice toward black people, although some older people held views about sporting success and running away from lions that I’d prefer not to repeat in detail.”

Bradford said she was optimistic about her findings, which suggested that many prejudices could be combatted by simple measures such as thinking about things before you decide to believe them.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not prejudiced, because I eat loads of Chinese takeaways, even if they’ve got cats in.

“Plus one of my best friends is black. Unfortunately she won’t take me to any grimecore nights because she’s 66 and prefers going to the Baptist church.”

George Osborne has told unemployed people that they must earn Scouting badges to keep their benefits.

The plan would teach new skills like hill-walking, lighting fires and playing games of chess with a disinterested vicar.

Osborne said: “People say there are no jobs. But scouts manage to find them simply by knocking on old ladies’ doors and offering to weed their garden for 50p.

“And by working towards your DIY, Astronomy and Customer Contact Solutions Operative badges you can give yourself new employment options.

“To warm down, Akela will organise a game of British Bulldog with 2.49 million people across the entire UK.”

He added: “If you’ve done five years on the dole, we’ll abandon you in the middle of Dartmoor with a compass and a pack of freeze-dried sausages and it’s up to you to get home.

“This will teach pathfinding skills, encourage independence and hopefully thin out numbers.”

CRYPTANALYSTS at Britain’s spy HQ are devoting most of their resources to cracking personalised number plates.

Spies have said they’re too busy to supply the FBI with British citizens’ private details because they’re trying to work out why an Audi’s number plate is 34 V7GA.

Codebreaker Eleanor Shaw said: “The grouping of the letters indicates that V7GA is intended to be a word, but what word could it be except vagina?

“And why would someone want to advertise having 34 vaginas?

“In other ciphers, numbers have a mathematical relationship to letters of the alphabet. But here, any number can represent any letter the driver of the car says it does, which makes codes impossible to break.”

Head of Cryptanalysis Joseph Turner said: “The codes range from the simple – JLE 435, where the driver is Julie and the numbers are irrelevant – to the bafflingly complex.

“How can we make sense of a registration like DJ51 8AG? Unless Simon Bagshaw from my school has become an internationally successful DJ, and according to the listening devices I placed in his home he hasn’t.

“They must be trying to communicate something, and it might related to terrorism. So we’ve arranged for every car with a personalised number plate to be remotely detonated this Friday.”

Number plate analysis is currently occupying 75 per cent of GCHQ’s resources, with the remaining operatives creating Sudoku puzzles to keep the middle-classes too busy to think about revolution.

Sex with people older than 61 is to be made illegal in the UK.
Government experts cited revolting newspaper articles about pensioners with ‘fulfilling sex lives’ as sufficient reason for the ban.

Helen Archer, a public health official said: “Elderly people are under pressure to have sex from a society hoping to sell them gym kit, testicle lift surgery and those weird ‘cultural’ cruises where pensioners look at Greek erotic statues.

“Old age is supposed to be relaxing, you’ve accepted that your genitals have shrivelled to insignificance and can just grow potatoes and obsess about the parking space outside your house.”

She added: “Sex is supposed to be beautiful and natural – but there’s nothing natural about two naked people who watched Doctor Kildare first time around writhing in a horizontal dance of death.”

Nathan Muir, a nursing home manager commented: “I’m exhausted from having to remove residents from the wrong rooms after lights out.

“If you have a bath with a special cut out-door and a collection of china animals, you should not be doing it – ever.

“I’ve been wondering whether I’d get a raging, out of control libido too if I wore slippers everywhere and ate my dinner at 5pm.”

Denys Finch Hatton, 72, said: “This is actually a huge relief. Finally I can stop munching loads of Viagra and just sit in a chair watching war films until I die.”

“If you have a bath with a special cut out-door and a collection of china animals, you should not be doing it – ever.

“This is actually a huge relief. Finally I can stop munching loads of Viagra and just sit in a chair watching war films until I die.”

‘Black Friday’ shoppers have been told it is fine to kill or maim anyone getting in their way.

With high street shops slashing prices by up to 70%, David Cameron announced that consumers can “do whatever it takes” to get the bargains.

He said: “Today the only law is the law of the jungle. Look around your home – is there something you can use for a weapon?

“Stay alert. What appears to be a shop window dummy could be a rival shopper with a claw hammer.

“Let Black Friday begin!”

Retailers estimated 3,500 fatalities by 8am, with many shoppers forming unstable tribal groups to battle their way to aftershave and robot vacuum cleaners.

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I wanted one of those electronic Furbys that gets pregnant. But the whole Furby aisle was blocked with corpses.

“When I scrambled through there was another mum carrying off the last toy. I smiled apologetically then kneed her in the face, followed with a couple of kicks to ensure she stayed down. Who’s got the Furby now, bitch?

“Next on the list is toiletries but that department seems to be on fire.”

A government spokesman said: “Although you can do as you wish to other humans, take care not to damage the merchandise.”

THINGS with no value have been fractionally reduced in price, making them exciting.

I don’t know what it is but it’s a BARGAIN

As the post-Christmas retail experience begins, a load of utter shit has become frenzy-inducing ‘bargains’ after fictitious prices unrelated to value were replaced with another, slightly lower, made-up figure.

Shopper Emma Bradford said: “I got a Hairyblender 9000 – a food blender covered in human hair – for £199, reduced from a theoretical value of £2000. These retailers must be fucking mad, or total idiots.

“And there’s 45% off a cushion shaped like a dog. That’s insane, I mean just the cost of the materials involved in making a dog-shaped cushion must be, well, very high.”

Father-of-two Tom Booker said: “Despite being in loads of debt and at risk of losing my job, today my only concern is not missing out on a great bargain for a pet spa day.

“It’s a third off! A £100 saving! So it’s exactly the same as being paid £100, assuming I were to spend that money on a pet spa day.”

Shop owner Stephen Malley said: “Stampede on it, you bovine dimwits! Trample each other to death in your ruthless quest for life-affirming crud!

“Sorry, I mean ‘bargains galore’!”

Television adverts will be limited to a still image of a product with its name underneath after becoming too infuriating.

The restrictions have been introduced after a Lloyds Bank advert about “small acts of kindness” provoked viewers to attack furniture, pets and family members.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Advertising people really overstepped the mark by trying to engage everyone on an emotional level.

“For example with adverts for whiskey involving old men who drive around in rusty trucks living simple, uncomplicated lives.

“And fizzy drink adverts inviting us to ‘believe’. Believe in what? UFOs? Racism? Herpes?

“Don’t even get me started on that drivel where the troll goes on holiday, which would have been pitched to a roomful of people without souls as having a ‘Wes Anderson vibe.’

“Or anything where a community does a thing together because of chocolate bars.”

Following the new regulations, Coca Cola unveiled its new campaign ‘Coca Cola’ featuring the slogan ‘Coca Cola’.

A spokesman said: “You’ll buy our product anyway. We only spend money on advertising because otherwise we would literally drown in cash.”

“Don’t even get me started on that drivel where the troll goes on holiday, which would have been pitched to a roomful of people without souls as having a ‘Wes Anderson vibe.’

The 27 member states of the European Union have demanded a referendum on whether Britain is allowed to stay in.

Voters across the continent will be asked to choose whether Britain should have to follow the same rules everyone else does or can just fuck off.

So far the latter option, which would see multilingual FUCK OFF BRITAIN signs at every European border crossing and mandatory cavity searches, is polling at around 90 per cent.

EU President Herman Van Rompuy said: “All we ever bloody hear from the UK is that you don’t want legal highs, you won’t pay benefits, you don’t want human rights.

“What exactly does Britain bring to the EU anyway, apart from of course your wonderful financial centre that destroyed all our economies a few years ago?”

Jose Triano of Madrid said: “An entire area of Spain – we call it the Costa del Crime – is a no-go area for ordinary people because of aged Brits reminiscing about the Krays while sucking up our health service like Bermuda-shorted vampires.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said: “Despite our difficulties, Britain does have a very important role within the EU.

“It unites the rest of us in loathing.”