Hideous Londoners forced to travel above ground

THE twisted troglodytes who inhabit London have been forced to expose themselves to daylight.

The near-blind, cannibalistic subhumans, who usually live their short brutish lives in either tunnels or offices, are now groping their way through the capital’s streets.

Nathan Muir, whose slimy green-white skin began to smoke and blossom into flame when touched by the sun, said: “The yellow eye in the heavens judges me.

“It burns me for my ugliness, because I defied the Lore by exposing my flesh to the Roofless World.”

The stunted goblins are trained from birth never to make eye contact with one another and use their holy text The Met Roe to hide their faces.

Their subterranean world is paralysed by a vicious war between the Riders and the Drivers begun by the Drivers’ megalomaniac leader, Crow.

Anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher said: “Crow demands an increase in tithe for the Drivers, insane idiot savants who spend their whole lives shackled to the controls of vast mechanical worms.

“Life is unimaginably awful down in the tunnels. There is a form of crude poetry inscribed on the walls, but it’s not anything a normal human could enjoy.”

African Union: We cannot ignore the plight of Berkshire any longer

Responding to popular calls from the Daily Mail and Nigel Farage, African leaders met in Kinshasa yesterday to discuss the growing floods crisis in the United Kingdom.

‘The images of knee-high water have shocked us all’, said Congo’s President Kabila, whose nation is currently recovering from the most brutal conflict in recorded history since the Second World War.

‘The [Daily] Mail and Mr Farage have made it clear that Britain’s international aid budget, used around the globe to combat AIDS, famine and female genital mutilation, is needed in High Wycombe.

‘Well, we can do one better’.

Governments across the continent have drawn up assistance packages to help the hundreds of Britons forced to sleep in poorly funded community centres, often for days at a time.

‘It is unimaginable’, said Kabila before the assembled statesmen in Kinshasa, ‘In Henley-upon-Thames for example, only one in twenty residents are millionaires. Imagine their insurance premiums’.

Following fears of sandbag shortages at Devon County Council, particularly of that drought-excluder kind, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania has stepped in, offering to drop several thousand sand bags ‘over a wide area’ from strategic bombers. Mauritania, a country which according the UN has between 10% and 20% of its population as slaves, was happy to help.
Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help UK

Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help The UK

‘Hey, we’re in the Sahara’, said a spokesman for the ruling junta, ‘we’re basically made out of sand!’

The largest contribution has come from Eritrea. The Red Sea state, whose primary exports include nutmeg and ferrous waste, has promised to match David Cameron’s proposed flood defence fund of £700 million.

‘We are more than happy to help’, said Minister Isaias Afwerki, ‘expending our entire Gross National Product to protect Elton John’s Windsor mansion will be the honour of all Eritreans’.

Alongside state intervention, charities have moved quickly to respond. Professor David Akol of Juba University in Darfur has established Help For The Home Counties.

‘Who can put a price on a pair of waders?’ asks Akol in a moving advert currently broadcasting across the continent, ‘For just £159, a Sudanese farmer can give an IT consultant from Surrey a pair of Endura Stocking Foot Protectors. That’s just four months wages to remove dampness from someone’s life’.


Half a dozen African countries have already offered to back financial aid with boots on the ground to oversee future defences. ‘It is clear’, concluded Kabila, ‘after similar catastrophes in 2000, 2007 and now 2014 that the British government simply lacks the logistical capabilities to stop water coming indoors’.

Meanwhile Syria’s Assad today announced a cease-fire in his nation’s multi-sided civil war to allow for ‘a whip round’ for Britons who have lost their second homes.

You and everyone you know is Adolf Hitler, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that you are exactly like Hitler in all the important ways, especially your dreadful haircut and your insatiable desire for genocide.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “You hate everyone and you shout a lot.

“And if you manage to become leader of your country you will kill as many people as you possibly can.

“You can deny it all you want, but no-one will believe you because you are such a massive liar. Like Hitler.”

Professor Brubaker said the Institute launched the research project after a surge in high-profile Hitler comparisons.

He added: “Not only were all the comparisons 100 per cent accurate – particularly George Clooney – but we soon discovered that everyone is a frustrated artist who is actively planning a beer hall putsch.

“Ideally, you don’t want anyone to be Hitler, but life’s just not like that. So we’re now trying to work out whether everyone being Hitler is better than some people being Hitler and some people not being Hitler.”

Tom Booker, from Guildford, said: “This does bring an end to the uncertainty. Which is good because I prefer things to be very definite. Like a certain someone…”

Emma Bradford, a working mother of three from Peterborough, said: “I just wish I had more time to be Hitler. I really do.”

I love the Daily Mash.

I was crying with laughter (or maybe it was my shared relief) at their article back in September celebrating the kids going back to school.

I've searched in their history but can't find it. Did anyone else read it?

Parents celebrate end of nightmare


PARENTS across the UK are drunkenly celebrating the end of six weeks of hellish full-time childcare.

Here's to the shattered remnants of sanity

Here’s to the remnants of shattered sanity

Their shamelessly adult partying began outside school gates at 9.01am yesterday morning after handing their offspring back to education professionals.

Mother of three Carolyn Ryan said: “I waved a two-fingered goodbye to my little darlings, cranked Azealia Banks full blast on the stereo, cracked a bottle of Merlot right there in the car and sucked desperately at the bottle like it was a teat.

“Some other mums got in and we drove to a strip club, which made a refreshing change from overpriced pirate-themed attractions in castles.”

Risk manager Bill McKay, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: “Freedom tastes so sweet.

“After a fantastic day of work where nobody mentioned Spongebob Squarepants, Despicable Me or Thomas the bastard Tank Engine, we hit the wine bar at 4.30pm on the nose.

“I can’t remember whose idea it was that we just not go home, but it was a damn good one.”

Grandparents have joined the party, elated at their release from a hellish round of local museums, sad farm parks and protracted negotiations with sucrose-crazed dictators just to get them out of their pyjamas.

The nation’s children greeted their return to school with equanimity. Eight-year-old Tom Booker said: “If they’d taken me to one more petting zoo I would have strangled a hen, then pretended I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to do.”

Wales has begged Scotland not to leave it trapped in the UK with those two other mad bastards.

Wales, which shares with Scotland a minority language, tons of mountains and an affinity with alcohol, is terrified of being left alone with England and Northern Ireland.

It pleaded: “Safety in numbers, right? All Celts together? Please, you know what they’re like, always fighting and tanks and bombs and shit.

“I’d like to think I could just huddle up over here behind Offa’s Dyke and they wouldn’t notice me, but if you’re gone I’m the only one they’ve got to shout at.

“England’s polite enough but it just takes everything and gives it to spoilt London, and I can’t even understand Northern Ireland half the time.”

Wales particularly fears being drawn into sectarian arguments and being asked to give an opinion on religious questions, worshipping as it does small blue men who live in caves above the mist line.

Scotland has replied that it just can’t stand it any more and that Wales would do the same if it could, and that it’d bring Wales along if only they had contiguous borders.

It then contacted Northern Ireland asking if they needed a couple of million lunatic Glaswegian Catholics and Protestants who liked marching, petrol bombs and very specific colours.

Northern Ireland replied: “The more the merrier.”

A Conspiracy theory outlined by office worker Tom Logan was fine until it edged into anti-Semitism, according to his colleagues.

Logan’s convoluted theory, incorporating Freemason, the Bilderberg Group and Area 51, had been cordially received until he mentioned the Rothschild banking family.

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “I was on board with the global plot to brainwash and enslave billions, but became uncomfortable when he got down to ethnic specifics.


“Hi, can I interest you in receiving promotional material from the Illuminati?”

“Obviously someone engineered 9/11 and the credit crunch for their own benefit, and probably they are lizards, but I don’t get why they also have to be Jewish.

“It’s like the whole thing is just a sci-fi coating for Tom’s venomously racist views, which themselves stem from a need to blame someone for his persistent failure with women.”

Logan admitted that he’d considered dropping the anti-Semitic bits of his ‘Brotherhood of Reptiles’ theory: “Sometimes there’s a voice in my head going ‘Actually that’s just unpleasant and completely illogical.’

“Then I remember that it’s not my conscience speaking, but the Zionist elders controlling my brain with mind rays that are amplified by my dental fillings.”

Daily Mail to continue battle against paedophiles by publishing more photos of underage stars

Daily Mail logo

The Daily Mail has supplemented their paedophile exposé on Harriet Harman by using their website to show how a number of underage girls that might be targeted by paedophiles now look ‘all grown up’.

The anti-paedophile tabloid insisted it was important that they carried regular images of under age girls looking ‘all grown up’ in order to lure disgusting paedophiles to their pages so that the paper can make money from advertising.

A spokesperson from the paper told us, “Our picture editors regularly have to get into the minds of the disgusting paedophiles that we definitely hate in order to pick just right shots they would like and that adequately sexualise under-age girls.”

“This is so that we can make confirmed or curious disgusting paedophiles click it and create another page view on our website.”

“It is a difficult job, but we have a talented staff that manages to do this on what some might describe as an alarmingly regular basis – as any cursory glance at our web page’s sidebar will tell you.”

“By luring these disgusting paedophiles onto our site with our regular ‘all grown up’ photo stories, we are able to show them advertising which makes us money and improves our ability to reveal the real paedophiles in our midst, such as some of the politicians we don’t like.”
Daily Mail ‘all grown up’

Newspaper readers have said the Daily Mail’s revelations do make sense, as a visit to their website does tend to make them feel like a dirty old man.

Current affairs Simon Williams told us, “They draw you in with what appears to be an exposé of paedophile supporters in the establishment, but then they swamp the page with pictures of sexualised young women that could technically make you a paedophile.”

“They’re either really clever, or just totally hypocritical shits. Which is it?”

HARRIET Harman and the Daily Mail are two sides of the same unbearable coin, experts have confirmed.

Labour’s awful deputy leader is locked in a vicious paedo-smear battle with the insane newspaper which, according to millions of dreams, could destroy both of them utterly.

But experts described the conflict as ‘fascinating’ because both organisms share the same brain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They have separate corners of the brain where they ferment their stupid opinions but, like a bunch of bastard Shoreditch hipsters, they share a ‘hot desk’ and use the same hectoring photocopier.

“In terms of who’s right or wrong, at this stage it’s best to assume they’re both wrong. But be in no doubt, this is a battle for the soul of idiot Britain.”

Professor Brubaker stressed that people should feel no obligation to choose between the two as that could ‘drag this shit out for another couple of days’.

He added: “It’s BBC1 v ITV. It’s Hitler v Stalin. It’s Piers Morgan v Jeremy Clarkson.

“It’s not a choice. It’s a curse.”

An argument on the internet has been resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.

The conclusion of the dispute, which began in October 1998 on a message board abandoned by everyone else in 2002, has given hope to the rest of the internet.

Bill McKay said: “We’re pretty sure the argument began over The X-Files, though we actually disagreed even on that for most of 2009.

“Since then it’s ranged across Richard Dawkins, Keynesian economics, dream Justice League line-ups, the standardisation of European shoe sizes and smartphone operating systems, Godwinising a record 43,378 times.

“It’s been a full-time job, so I’m lucky that I have the kind of full-time job where they assume if I’m typing I’m working.”

Bill, also known as Flying Boy, and his interlocutor Electr0m0nk have spent 16 years locked in argument, a full year of which was spent shouting “STRAW MAN!” at each other.

The pair, who estimate they cut-and-pasted sections from every page on Wikipedia in attempts to back up their prejudices with evidence, now count themselves friends.

Bill said: “I dunno, after the thousandth time you accuse someone of an ad hominem you get friendly, you know?

“We finally settled our differences, agreed that we’d both learned a lot from each other, closed the message board and moved on.

“I hope it can teach others that arguing on the internet is completely worthwhile, as long as you never give up. Never.”

Internet argument resolved

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/inte...solved-2014030584268

Russia has heightened tensions with the UK by supporting Andre Villas-Boas’s claim to be a football coach.

The news that Zenit Saint Petersburg had employed Villas-Boas as manager has been condemned as a ‘clear act of provocation’ by foreign secretary William Hague.

Hague said: “While a small minority does see Villas-Boas as a coach, appointing him as Zenit boss achieves nothing except to isolate Russia and diminish its place in the world.

“To be willing to sabotage an innocent club just to make this kind of political statement without thinking about the people it will hurt is shocking.”

While Russia claims that Villas-Boas’ time at Chelsea and Tottenham is evidence of a coaching career, the West insists that no obvious football tactics were used during his time at either club.

Ban on ads ordering parents to ram junk food into their children 24 hours a day

ADVERTS which give parents no choice but to pump their children full of sugar and fat 24 hours a day are to be banned.

The adverts have been criticised for using tactics such as death threats and sexual blackmail to ensure that parents feed their children as badly as possible.
Martin Bishop, a health campaigner, said: “If it was just colourful, playful images of the food, accompanied by jaunty music, then it would be fine as most parents would say, ‘that looks unhealthy so it should only be a very occasional treat’.
“But it’s simply not fair to flash messages across the screen such as ‘we will tamper with your car’ and ‘we know about the golden showers’.
“And then there’s the pre-watershed burger advert with the slogan ‘if your parents don’t buy you one, set fire to the house’.”
Emma Bradford, a mother of two from Stevenage, said: “Last Tuesday I forgot to buy a bag of random animal parts for my babies. I swear to God I just forgot, I wasn’t trying to be difficult.
“I’m now in that horrible limbo, waiting for a McDonalds hitman to put a bullet through my forehead.”
Nathan Muir, a father of three from Peterborough, said: “Perhaps they could also ban the junk food adverts that are set on a lovely farm. They are worse than death.”

People have been left feeling vaguely unsatisfied following the death of a stark raving madman.

As Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps died, many agreed they would have been much happier about the news if he had been even remotely sane.

Psychiatrist Dr Julian Cook said: “Phelps desired and was given world-wide media attention for trying to provoke bereaved families. Well done everyone.

“The manifestation of his psychosis was given a hefty nudge by his religion, but he could just as easily have wound up picketing duck ponds with angry placards about Sesame Street. But that may not have been interesting to Louis Theroux.

“In the strictest sense, he was an anti-gay campaigner, but in a much more meaningful sense, he was just a psycho.

“You should never have heard of him.”

Pope Francis tried to bottle the Queen yesterday after a comment about Henry VIII sparked a fight.

Previous royal visits to the Vatican have been conducted on an ‘agree-to-differ’ basis, but the monarch was goaded when the Pope made an offhand comment about her vast wealth.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “One minute they were exchanging gifts and the next they were wrestling on the ground with Prince Philip holding back the cardinals telling them ‘they had to work this shit out’.

“Neither had time to take their rings off, so when they’d finished their faces looked like five pounds of raw mince.”

The Pope greeted the Queen by asking if she had enough money yet and the Queen replied that Henry VIII could have got ‘quickie divorce’ by bribing Pope Clement VII with a carriage full of altar boys.

After a brief silence the Pope broke the bottle of Balmoral whisky he had been given and lunged at her.

The spokesman added: “His holiness was pretty handy but he’s messing with somebody who once put Robert Mugabe in a choke hold.”

Government forces have fallen back from positions in Swindon and Wiltshire, abandoning the town to the Badger Army.

The Department of Agriculture has cancelled planned new fronts in the Badger War to concentrate forces on defending the vital M4 corridor.

Defence analyst Julian Cook said: “The badgers have followed the sinkhole offensive with a series of incursions into Swindon, taking the town street by street.

“The government might want to ask itself if it really believes it can win a ground war in Wiltshire.”

Badger general Nathan Muir said: “For Swindon, badger law is now the only law.

“Reading is next.”