It is not my intention to bring you all down, but some of you are the only folks who seem to remotely 'get me' sometimes, so I thought I'd ask this here.

I've been feeling like this for a while. I'm done searching for answers or even pretending that there might actually be any and to be perfectly frank, I'm tired.

Increasingly, I find myself isolating myself from everyone around me and their (what I perceive to be in the main) 'petty' dramas. I grow weary and ever more frustrated at people's lack of ability to see the world as I do. I don't mean this in a condesending way at all: It's just I can only point things out to people so many times before I get bored and fuck 'em off out of it. I'm also not pretending that I am in any way right about everything either. But there are some things which really should be obvious to just about everyone, shouldn't they? I don't blame people for ignoring me actually...my version of the world is pretty shitty at the best of times.

I raise this here because I reckon some of you may have felt the same at some point and I wondered what you found, if anything, to get yourself up out of it. Escaping depression (not to suggest that I am actually 'depressed' at this point in time, as I don't believe myself to be) has been a bit of a life-long quest for me, and I've still not figured it out. I've tried big pharma, 'counselling' ( )...I've even tried eating, smoking and drinking my way to happiness. I've also tried buying my way to happiness, though increasingly this is becoming more difficult, let alone just paying bills and feeding myself.

Nothing, nadda, zip. Do you think some people are just destined to be miserable?

The real irony of the whole situation is that there is actually nothing much wrong with me, physically at least. I have psoriasis sometimes, mild asthma occassionally and, oh yeah...I'm a sexual deviant. But other than that. Aside from the inversion nothing a sensible diet and clean living wouldn't remedy, could I afford to do so. I do have a roof over my head at present. Which is nice. I suppose I should feel guilty really, but I don't.

I have family and friends and again, I know I should probably feel differently about things because of them, but truthfully, I don't. I think about a world sans me and I think it would just carry on ticking over quite nicely. It might be a bit painful at first, but life goes on. I've lost people I love and my life still monotonously edges away from me (though seemingly not quite fast enough for my liking), so I know this to be true.

So, here I find myself. I think about how I might die and when I might die. I must hasten to add that this isn't some thinly veiled cry for help either, as I've nowhere near the gumption to actually end it all myself. Plus, facebook and the like are much better fora for those types of appeals for validation I find, which is precisely why I avoid places like that like the plague.

No, I'm really just at a loss and asking if anyone can point me in the right direction, particularly if they have been this way before themselves? I am done, finished, knackered. I have nothing left to offer and I am conceivably of no apparent use to anyone. I wake up every morning a bit miffed about exactly why I have woken up again. There is nothing in the entire world that could surprise me or delight me any longer. I feel a bit like I went on some ropey package holiday but my tour company went bust and I've just been left here. I just can't figure it out and it is beginning to get on my tits a bit. Am I just 'filler'? Are any of us more than that?

Thank you for reading and apologies if I've made you feel anything less than brilliant. It certainly was not my intention to do so, but I'm kind of grasping at straws here. All insights are welcome.

Not sure why this is in 'case files'.

Apols.

I'll move it for you and respond later as I got to go and pick up a kid

edit... its in members, its fine

psketti wrote:
Thanks...I wouldn't talk about that on the internet though if I were you. Pervert.

I think it's people, Abs. I think if you found a true soul mate to spend time with in the flesh, you'd feel differently about everything. I say this because some people are just great to be with and the enjoyment of their company gives you a buzz (when I say 'you', I mean 'me', cause I'm talking from personal experience) and you feel good about everything.

But when you've nobody like that around, everything's a bore and a chore.

The thing is, you could meet someone who makes you feel better like that any day of the week - or never.

But if you were to give up and become a total recluse, you'd never know what contentment you might have missed out on.

Move into my house, & we'll throw old misery face out - I'll make you laugh every day and give you nice food to eat. The kids will bugger things up a treat though!

I'm waiting to live

I get pleasure and fulfilment from lots of things actually, that helps... also I'm an optimistic fucker

Things change. Life.

Gilly wrote:
It's tempting, Gilly-bean!

I don't really have great advice as I'm pretty much a hermit...I just smoke weed and try to spend some time in nature.

Not sure what the cure is for these feelings of emptiness. Psyche meds certainly don't work. Weed is only temporary(and expensive). And while, finding the right person might help...it's finding the right person! I've never had anything close to the right person and my bad romantic decisions made me even more miserable. Sex, like weed, is a temporary high.

The subject line, "Waiting to die..." I know that feeling. Sometimes I wonder what the point is in being here but I trudge along dealing with all the shit life has to offer. I figure that "offing myself" would result in me being pushed right back down the ole birth canal, back into this shit world with an even worse set of circumstances! I've already made it through 38 years on this fucked up planet and have no intentions of starting over!!! Hell, if I'm lucky- I'm about halfway through! Woohoo!

But then there are those moments of greatness when I'm laughing and having a good time or quietly sitting in nature absorbing the good energy ...those are the moments I look forward to when I'm really down. They will come(the happy moments).

And also, think about how much you mean to other people. I don't know you all that well but you are a really funny, witty individual! When I get down, I try to think of the people(however few they may be) who love me. And making them happy, makes me happy...even if only briefly.

I don't know, guess I'm not much help!

I hope you feel better. Just don't ever give up.

I unfortunately recognise that attitude Abs but Gilly nailed it first.
We tend to value ourselves relative to our impact or involvement with others.

Often that involvement leads to pain or disappointment and we retreat back to the shadows and close the blinds.
It's a self-protection measure which ultimately hurts us more.

However, whether it is forced into seclusion and reclusion by health, lack of wealth, hurt or disappointment, will still seek some form of contact, understanding and tolerance.

So we end up here. Resort de la Recluse
Giving and taking support, to and from each other, in a form where we retain control.
If we need time-out, we take time-out.
If we need 24hr conversation, mental stimulation or distraction from our inner voice, we can find it here.

You matter!
Not a pep talk, chuck-a-way line btw I wouldn't insult your intelligence with that, (I'll try other ways though np)
You are an essential part of this site and it's flavour.
The interplay between you and the Abominable Sketti is what tempted me to hang around in the first place.
The fucking state of her while you were off on sabbatical was torturous to witness.

There! I've said it now you attention seeking harlot tart.














oh and btfw
Welcome back ya fucker, you were sorely missed.

Sorry if this sounds kinda trite, but January is one of the most depressing months of the year. Not to belittle how your feeling at all, but we don't get much daylight during the Winter. Don't even get me started on post Christmas fallout. It all adds up to being grimness which can fuck people up and make them feel like they just want to die!

It's worse in Scandinavia of course, that's why alcohol is so expensive in Iceland.

For the last week I've felt really shit. I've not actually wanted to kill myself, but I just want to go to sleep and wake up when there's more sunshine. I feel as though I would really just like to die. But, this time next month, spring will be stirring and thinks will start looking up.

I do't know if this applies to you Abs, but it's incredibly common in this part of the world.

feather wrote:
Don't listen to him abs, it's all lies.... LIES I TELL YOU

Can't really say anything that hasn't already been said either... wish I could, to make you feel better... but I ain't got anything

Ab Origine wrote:
Come work for me Abs, Ill give you plenty of big weapons to spit on, rub and polish to your hearts contents

entrangermercenary1 wrote:


Thanks to all for responses.

Ab Origine wrote:

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way Ab. So I'll just cut to the chase.

I have full-blown depression. Major Depression, they call it. Had it most my life. I spent seven Hellish years taking everything in every combination that they'd throw at me short of electroconvulsive "therapy" (which I declined when it was offered.) I have been unmedicated since 2006. (I know, lookout world!!) I can only liken my life and its strangeness to that of 24/7/365 male PMS. Contentment, I have learned to appreciate in its rare fleeting glimpses. I think of death & dying on a daily basis. Some days almost unceasingly. And suicidal thoughts are more common than I'd like to admit.

Long story short. Once you get all the usual suspects in line, all the normal particulars in some kind of order: diet, exercise, positive thinking, meditation, hobby/social activity, whatever and you still feel as though the bottom has dropped out, it's time to take things to that final frontier. What a lot of Native American tribes call "crying out for a vision". Now this will be completely dependent upon your religious/spiritual leanings and I'm not preaching or "telling you what you need to do", just sharing some thoughts with ya.

It can be as simple or as elaborate as you like, but what matters most is the level of seriousness and sincerity that you bring to it. After all, this is your Life here and if it's not working out then finding a way to make it work should be top priority, regardless of the method.

Set yourself up with some uninterrupted alone time. Some people go out into the wilderness (without food and only enough water to keep your kidneys functioning) for several days and just lay it all on the line. You just hit your knees and literally cry, beg for the Creators mercy and guidance and pray for something to be shown to you that will give you what you need to continue onward with your Life. Now this can be done anywhere, what matters most is putting your heart into it. You may not be able to fast, that's OK. What's important here is just offering yourself up to the power that created you and admitting that you're broken and need fixing/healing.

As I said before, this will be dependent upon your own particular spiritual outlook and may or may not be something that you can use. Whatever you decide to do I hope its end result is one of Peace and Acceptance. Everyone deserves to have at the very least a Life that's livable. Here's hoping that you find that and much more!!

Phem,

I really hate it that you have to wrestle with such severe depression. You are so awesome, creative....you don't deserve to feel like that! Your comic genius brings joy to others; I really hope you can find some inner peace! And you've been so good with all your self improvement plan- truly a role model!

Also, I like this vision quest. I thought about doing something similar.

There's a little island way down south Florida on the Gulf side. I've been camping there twice and love it because its undeveloped. Someday I'd like to go camp there by myself. Just chill & not talk to anyone.

The only thing stopping me is becoming some horror movie cliche!

Silly, I know, to let fear stop me...but when I first started talking about doing that; Meredith Emerson was killed on Blood Mountain while hiking alone with her dog. The creep who did it also murdered someone at Appalachicola park in Florida which was one of the places I considered camping at!

Damn, sorry, kinda went off topic!

I'd say that you live in a pretty ideal place for such an undertaking, K-Bone. Set yourself up a little fire-pit and have at it. Make a weekend out of it when you can. Just whatever you do, PLEASE stay safe when ya do it!! I know bullshit fears need eradicating but sometimes a little bit of certain kinds of fear is totally and completely called for!! We'd all rather have you safe than sorry, that's for sure!!

And thank you for those unbelievably kind words. *tips baseball cap to ya*

I certainly find serenity in the woods. In a way, they've been my savior & my destroyer simultaneously(Lymie Tick demons)!

I still gotta get my ass back to Cayo Costa. I need some relaxing beach time with out all the drunken teens. There's nothing more soothing and regenerating than the ocean(well, Morgan Freeman would be a very close second). Love to feel the sun on my skin and bare feet in sand- plunging into the ocean waves....floating...just love it. Cure for my depression indeed.

It surprises and saddens me to learn that so many people suffer from depression. And it's people who, apart from that affliction, are so well balanced, exhibiting intelligence, compassion, wit, wisdom. It seems so unjust that people who can bring such light into other people's lives just by bestowing on them the pleasure of your company, experience these depths of despair.

I have bleak times, like anybody, but feel very fortunate not to suffer from the black dog's stalking. I've contemplated mariticide, briefly (and not too seriously) but I've never felt the urge to do away with myself.

I truly wish we could identify the root cause, and erradicate it.

I'm sorry if this offends anybody, but I can't help but be suspicious that outside influences may be at work. I don't know what - these bloody cell phone towers maybe. A few years ago I did some reading up on them, and 2 of the places that had stupidly high suicide rates were also particularly densely packed with these towers / masts.

This makes interesting reading.

www.zengardner.com/the-electromagnetic-war-on-humanity/

Maybe it's time to look into Orgonite more seriously. I wish Anthony65 was still here to lead the way with that.

entrangermercenary1 wrote:
You're such a slut, Ent!