I can relate to alot of what you said, K-Bone. I had a nervous breakdown too, which is why I left California and when I left Arizona and had to get rid of all of my stuff, that George Carlin tape is exactly what I was thinking of.

Also, one time I complimented a lady in a store, I can't remember what I said even, but I remember her looking at me like I was some kind of creep.

irrepressible wrote:
Yeh, but everywhere is very different in its essence. The buildings, houses, shops, people, and even the roads are all different. (except obviously boring multi-national chain stores etc). When you arrive in Liverpool, you feel a great sense of achievement in the beautiful surrounding buildings near Lime Street. And the sense of tradition, and nostalgia, and Teh Beatles. And great comedians such as Ken Dodd, Jimmy Tarbuck and Cilla Black leave a familiar odour resembling hot dogs in the Mersey air.
Wheras LA has a nice thick smog, loads of famously rich idiots who wouldn't last a minute without their un-hard earned cash - and California has loads of nice beaches with rows and rows of bikini girls and decent weather.
It's the same - but different.

K-Bone, and noseymutegirl, it's sad that we can't give each other a smile and compliments. I must admit that when I get a rare smile or something, I don't know what to do. I just blush and give some semblence of a smile back

People are cynical, we're paranoid, we think we're being hussled or something. It's sad

When I'm out, I just keep myself to myself. I give the bare minmum of eye contact, and I try to keep exchanges between myself and shop cashiers to a minimum. A woman once started talking to me about a Stephen King book I was buying, she was the cashier, very friendly. She told me it was a good book etc and she said more but I forget exactly what she said...and all I coud do was smile like an idiot and I said nothing...that was a couple of years ago, and I still think about it now. I regret not talking to her. Social phobia? Avoidance personality disorder? Shyness?

I should smile more. I will

I see what you mean Space Bandit

I should travel actually. I've only been to Japan. I felt the emptiness there too. Mind you I only really experienced the city and suburbs.

I can sit here moaning about all this shit, or...I can get off my arse and get out there I have a choice.

Well, you have to find something to smile about first, and once you get that it's easy to keep, until some stranger looks at you like you are a fool and a jackass.

I know what you mean about the blushing. I blush real easily, sometimes I am unaware of it until someone points it out, and sometimes I have no idea why I am blushing. But when I do know, I start blushing even more because I am embarrassed about blushing and things can get real awkward.

........

Something else that K-Bone said.... about thinking she would miss cable TV.... when I left Los Angeles, I was disturbed that I would not be able to listen to Howard Stern in the morning. It did not take me long to realize that mornings outside of the city were a totally different experience. In fact, I started waking up early with no problems. Maybe because the nights were so quiet and I slept really soundly.... or maybe it was just because I found inner peace.

irrepressible wrote:
I can always tell if a person's reaction is shyness or...um, weirdness I am an introvert and have struggled with social anxiety my whole life. I have sort of defense mechanism which probably came from doing theater, where I'm super chatty and bubbly(so people assume I'm some sort of bimbo), it's like I go into another character- K-Bone the Entertainer! I'm not being fake or anything...just a way to cope with my discomfort. The only problem is, I walk away from the situation wondering if I was being obnoxious or coming across as narcissistic.

I bet the cashier could tell you were just shy. It's so much different from rude.

irrepressible wrote:
You can do both! It's good to vent! Otherwise, you'll bottle it up and the negativity could manifest into something...physical? I dunno...but it is good to vent!

irrepressible wrote:
Maybe try going somewhere it's not so busy and just full of stuff being flogged.
I've just been to Turkey & it was brilliant... lovely place. I could see what you might refer to as 'emptyness' there a bit though while people try & pretend to be your friend while they try & flog you stuff.
Ultimately the system we all live in seems to replace some part of honest humanity with this more self centred attitude within so many people, and it obviously has detrimental effect on all our environments. I find living in Manchester fairly boring now after nearly 38 years, but where you really live is in your head!

The emptiness is outside of me, and inside of me...sort of thing. I imagine if I was a bit happier within myself, my environment wouldn't seem as empty...maybe. But maybe it's the emptiness that's making me unhappy within myself There are days where walking around the city is alright, the buzz, the energy, the people.

I will get out there to a place less busy Space Bandit I need a bit of country, a bit of coast.

Living in my head...what a place of anxiety, worry, over-thought, and over-analysis that is!

irrepressible wrote:
Get out... go camping... walk to Sheffield.. feel the wind in your hair!

At least you have that ability to be bubbly and chatty K-Bone. With me, more often than not I spend my time in the company of others in pure silence

I did a college course once, I sat in the class silent. I was praying I wouldn't have to speak. When I did speak a bit, the entire class listened intently (He Speaks!!!) which made me feel even worse
After every conversation or exchange, i analyse it. Feel embarrassed at some things I said, wonder if I bored the other person. I couldn't speak on the phone up until a few weeks ago. I've been talking on the phone a lot more recently though. That took a lot of courage actually, and I'm still not over my phone "fear". But I'm getting there.

noseymutegirl, sometimes when I blush it gives me heat rash, my face and neck breaks out into huge patchy red blotches which makes me blush even more That hasn't happened for a while though

I only really feel the wind on my bald patch these days SB

irrepressible wrote:
Ah... the 'emptyness'

Space Bandit wrote:
You git!

The funny thing is, while I'm all bubbly and chatty, I feel like everyone is in silence wondering when I'm going to shut the fuck up! Then the self doubt creeps in; feeling embar­rassed at some things I said, won­dering if I bored the other per­son/people. Just recently, a girl who comes to my place of work had been asking me to various parties and such. I'm a total hermit and kept putting it off even though I really like her and wanted to hang(I don't have many friends). So, I went with her, her man and son to the drive-in. I had a really good time but was totally in my nervous, bimbo mode. I sent her a text the next day to let her know I had a good time and looked forward to hanging out again. I still have not received a reply. I can't think of anything I did wrong other than trying to be cheerful and fun. She doesn't seem like uptight or anything, don't think I said anything offensive, so I guess she just didn't enjoy my company. Maybe she thought I was flirty with her man- I wasn't, btw, I have a strict code of ethics when it comes to those things! I dunno...she could be busy but how long does it really take to reply to a text?

Anyway, rambling again Perhaps this is why people don't like me!

Who knows, KB?

I'm sure you were good company. Maybe her husband casually mentioned that he liked you. That could be the kiss of death for some friendships. People are

I have noticed that some married women do not feel so comfortable with single friends. If you are lucky, she might try to fix you up with someone hideous and then tell you that you cannot afford to be single much longer.

People are funny K-Bone. Maybe she did think you were flirting with her man, I don't know, or she might have seen you as some kind of "threat" or something. Maybe her husband talked a lot about you "wasn't she nice!" "Wasn't she fun!" that kind of thing and she got jealous. Or maybe she just hasn't got around to getting back to you yet. I'm no expert on these things I don't spend enough time with people to be an expert

I analyse the crap out of every meeting I have with people. Sometimes I feel terrible when I remember something really stupid I said, or thought it was something stupid.

You're not rambling btw

It's probably what Irre said. She just hasn't had a chance to get back to you.

Well, I'll go and try to sort this headache out Spending the afternoon in bed, drinking two cups of strong coffee, and eating half a bar of chocolate will do that to a person Well, to me anyway.

Thanks for all your replies and insights I've enjoyed reading it all

noseymutegirl wrote:
Yeah, probably just insecurity rearing it's ugly head...but it's been, like, 2 weeks ago. It's texting, y'know? Ah, well, if they don't like me...Fuck 'em!