psketti wrote:
Those voices in your head?

mild_peril wrote:

Pffttt

Good news for agoraphobics - a cure is just around the corner.

*leaves thread in disgust*

Space Bandit wrote:
Here you go mate

"Very little scares me," said my new girlfriend

"Great," I thought to myself, "She's going to be terrified when she sees my cock."

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.


After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.


While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.


"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?


One will make your day.
The other will make your whole week.

Sex - Beep Beep

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" crap?"

After 12 days, when I left the last prison, the sheriff said, “It is strange, you look better than when you entered the jail.”

I said, “Because I enjoyed it so much, it was such a new experience. If I had not been in the jail something would have remained incomplete in my life. It has made me richer.”

He said, “Looking at you, it seems….”

And I said to him, “If you want the life of your presidents and vice-presidents to be richer, give them the same experience. They really need it!”

Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

When children were asked what advice they would give to other children, here are some of the answers they gave.

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
"When your Dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
"Never tell your Mum her diet's not working."
"Stay away from prunes."
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
"When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair."
"Don't sneeze in front of Mum when you're eating crackers."
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat."
"If you get a bad school report, show it to Mum when she's on the phone."

1813 Women have no rights.

1913 Women fight for some rights.

2013 Women are always fucking right.

these are terrible! is this my uncle? ill be so fucking mad if this whole website is a set up for a family reunion.

Sorry nephew, I didn't think you read this part of the forum.

Is it true that a married woman's coccyx begins to extend by 1 millimetre every year or is it just an old wife's tail?

A jealous Italian husband comes home early one night.

He finds his wife in bed, smoke hanging in the bedroom. Suspicous, he starts beating his wife.

"I swear-a I'm alone! " cries the wife. Don't beat-a me!

You might-a be punished. Remember, up a there, there is a someone who knows-a everything!. From the top of the closet a male voice says,"Yes, but the one under the bed knows even more.

THE AMAZING HEALTH COMPUTER

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”