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TOPIC: Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever

Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 13:07 #61

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On a plane there was the captain, an aussie, a new zealander, a south african and an american. The captain told the others that the plane was too heavy so they threw out all their luggage. Then he said it was still too heavy and they were going to crash. So the South African and the American jumped out of the plane saying "I'm doing it for my country" and then the New Zealander pushed the Australian out of the plane saying "I'm doing this for my country"
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 15:05 #62

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"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 22:51 #63

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A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 09 Sep 2013 20:23 #64

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The printed sign on the church lawn says, IF TIRED OF SIN---COME IN.
Scraled underneath in lipstick, IF NOT, CALL THE STAR HOTEL
AND ASK FOR LUCY.

A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 15 Sep 2013 00:28 #65

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Yo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a book on how to read.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 15 Sep 2013 00:32 #66

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A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 15 Sep 2013 00:33 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 15 Sep 2013 17:28 #67

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A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


www.happyplace.com/24470/a-love-letter-t...g-my-online-activity
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2013 23:11 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 15 Sep 2013 23:21 #68

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Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 23 Sep 2013 15:21 #69

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 23 Sep 2013 17:47 #70

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Man: "I need some sleeping tablets for the wife".

Dr: "Why, what's wrong?"

Man: "She's bloody woke up"

(Courtesy of Les Dawson).
Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 23 Sep 2013 21:19 #71

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A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 24 Sep 2013 09:44 #72

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Last week I went to a travel agent to see about my holidays. There was a big poster of Majorca on the office wall. I said, 'I wanna go there.' So he pinned me to the wall.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

:D

Tommy Cooper classics
Si me puede disparar los conejos, a continuación, puedo disparar fascistas
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 24 Sep 2013 18:30 #73

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THE DEVIL AND YOUR DAD'S PROFESSION

Three guys die and go to Hell.

Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.

Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

"He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.

Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"

The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 24 Sep 2013 18:30 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 24 Sep 2013 18:37 #74

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Englishman, Irishman & a Scotchman walk into a pub, landlord says "is this some kind of joke?"
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 29 Nov 2013 00:38 #75

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how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave till it's bill withers!!

:D
Set the controls for the heart of the earth.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 29 Nov 2013 14:52 #76

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Q: What is Nigella doing on her new Xmas show?
A: Cold turkey.

Credit/blame = Popbitch. :D
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 07 Jan 2014 22:45 #77

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Which member of Blue was in The Wizard of Oz?

The Coward Lee Ryan.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Apr 2014 00:12 #78

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Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Jackson, WY. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please"

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston ," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures to the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired ski patrollers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."


What's the difference between God and a ski patroller?









God doesn't think he's a patroller...

What's the difference between a patroller and a Large Pizza?








The pizza can feed a family of four.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 13:51 #79

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A blind guy walks into a bar…Humour —

A blind guy walks into a bar with a guide dog.

Just as he’s about to order a drink the dog cocks its leg and pisses all over his shoes. The blind guy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a dog biscuit and gives it to the dog.

“Wow, that is so nice of you!” the barman exclaims. “The dog just pissed all over your shoes and you give it a dog biscuit, that’s really heartwarming to see! You must really love that old dog!”

The blind guy replies, “Sorry to disappoint you mate, but I’m just finding out which end is which. The little fucker’s about to get a good hard kick in the bollocks.”

from Bernard Manning

from The Guardian comments
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 13:57 #80

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chandrakavi wrote:
1231219 439681106145534 1027140695 N


Hey oioioi!, this would make a nice smiley. I don't know how to do it.
What do you think mate?


:D
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 27 Apr 2014 13:57 by chandrakavi.
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