George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley?"

What do you call a jazz singing pachyderm?
Elephants Gerald

"Did I tell you about our pet bird of prey?
He only goes out at night and plays in a band!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, our kestral manoeuvres in the dark."




(>.<)

Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band.
It's pretty easy, I just stand at the back and ting.

I was in my local Indian restaurant when I heard that REM had split and I fainted.

That's me in the korma..

A guy with no legs, at the bus-stop, the bus pulls up, conductor says "alright mate, how are you getting on?"


What do you call a jewish tea-boy? Hebrew.


A guy with one leg at the bus-stop, the conductor say's "alright mate, hop on "

Theres a joke about a cat that gets run over by a car and the vet has to amputate all four legs and attach soda cans to use as legs.

have you heard it?

has anybody heard it?

Nope. But it better be good after the build up it's getting

You will do if it walks down your street!

Oh come on Sketts, ffs. you could hear that one coming a mile away

A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!!!”

All of the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was very embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. Let me guess, you were embarrassed, huh?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, “200 DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT?!?!?! THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

…and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned over and whispered, “I study Law, and I know how to make people look guilty.

My fave:

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?


You don't know?


Do you know why you don't know?

A lawyer and a pensioner are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.

The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.

The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he says.

This catches the pensioner’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The pensioner doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the pensioner’s turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the pensioner and hands him £500.00. The pensioner pockets the £500.00 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the pensioner up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his fanny.

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

We now sell smoothies.

I just saved 3 children from a burning house and got a really big pat on the back.

Just think if I could play Tennis or ride a bike fast I might have got a knighthood as well.

My mate suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts.

Religion.

mild_peril wrote:

If I ask nicely, would you make them stop?