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TOPIC: Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever

Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 16:36 #81

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I was set upon by 3 muggers last night but I did manage to knock one out. It might seem a strange occasion to have a wank but I figured if these were my last minutes on earth I should at least enjoy them.
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 21:28 #82

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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.



As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, sisters."



The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."



But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."



This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.



A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two older sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."



"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."



But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."



Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.



Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."



"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."



Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."



Sister Mary stopped her walker and faced Mother Superior. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

:ownd:

:chuckle:
Last Edit: 27 Apr 2014 21:31 by Boots.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 21:33 #83

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For those of us who remember Milk deliveries in Bottles, here is a good example of a collection of notes left in milk bottles...



Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one..

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note.. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

Milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

:rofl:
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 21:41 #84

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WHY MEN

ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED




Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. ~~ Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes

-- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.




MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that …is the beginning of a new argument.....Yup!

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances,

best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT

FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

:)
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Apr 2014 21:48 #85

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I like this one!


LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR


IS OUR LEGAL SYSTEM CRAZY ????

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of 24 of very rare and Expensive cigars and insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small Fires’.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!

(this gets good...)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted the cigars insurable and guaranteed it would insure them against fire.

Without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire', so was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the Lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA .......NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Jun 2018 12:53 #86

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A teacher asked her class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put her hand up and said "my family went to grandads farm and we all saw his pet sheep and it was fascinating".

The teacher said "that was good Molly but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not fascinating.

Sally then raised her hand and said "my family and I went to see Rock Island and it was fascinating".

The teacher said, "well that was also good Sally but again, I wanted you to use the word fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided that there was no way little Johnny could damage the use of the word fascinate so she called on him.

Johnny said "my Aunt Caroline has a sweater with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight".

The teacher sat down and cried.

I laughed :psketti:
the anorak hides the fact that sean is composed of 95% vaginas
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