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TOPIC: Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever

Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Aug 2013 18:22 #41

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A black man walks into a bar with a colorful parrot on his shoulder
the bar tender says "where'd you get it?"
The Parrot answers:

"I found him in Africa"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Aug 2013 19:23 #42

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Saw an AA man sat in his van crying the other day so I went over & asked him what was wrong.
Said he was heading for a breakdown.

2 rats sat in a sewer - one says to the other, - I'm sick of this, shit for breakfast shit for dinner & shit for tea. :mad:
his mate turns to him and says, Don't worry, we're on the piss tonight!
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Aug 2013 19:55 #43

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Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 21 Aug 2013 21:04 #44

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2 men looking at suits in Burton's window. One says to the other, "That's the one I'd get", so a cyclops storms round the corner & twats him.






That's the one-eyed get. Sorry, it's the only joke I know.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 22 Aug 2013 00:10 #45

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VIAGRA THEFT

Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 22 Aug 2013 18:40 #46

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Bar... Alligator


A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 22 Aug 2013 18:40 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 22 Aug 2013 19:48 #47

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Well at least we know never to enter any forum jokes competitions.
the anorak hides the fact that sean is composed of 95% vaginas
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 22 Aug 2013 19:58 #48

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psketti wrote:
Well at least we know never to enter any forum jokes competitions.

:chuckle:
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 23 Aug 2013 01:27 #49

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Loony Larry is wobbling home from the pub along the railway tracks. It is a fullmoon night, and Larry is well plastered with rum.

All of a sudden, he trips over a human leg lying on the tracks. He picks himself up, rubs his eyes in disbelief, and staggers on.

A few minutes later, he stumbles over another leg lying on the tracks. Next, he comes across an arm. By now, Looney Larry has become really interested, and when he sees a body, he stops to have a good look at it.

Walking around the body, he scratches his chin, and mumbles to himself, "That coat looks rather familiar! I wonder if it is..." But just then, he steps backwards and falls over a head.

He stares in drunken shock at the head, recognizing the face of his friend, Harry. Then, Larry sees an ear lying on the ground a few feet away. He crawls over to the ear, picks it up, and shouts into it, "Harry! Harry! Are you alright?"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 26 Aug 2013 14:50 #50

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3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 26 Aug 2013 22:16 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 26 Aug 2013 22:25 #51

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SEX ED

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”

“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.”
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 26 Aug 2013 22:26 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 26 Aug 2013 22:48 #52

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What's the difference between a guitar and a wasp?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can't strum a wasp!
:woot:
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 26 Aug 2013 22:57 #53

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Anti-weed commercial parody -



This was created by Well Regulated Militia films.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Aug 2013 16:44 #54

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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Aug 2013 17:06 #55

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Atheism - a non prophet industry.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 27 Aug 2013 19:28 #56

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Gilly wrote:
psketti wrote:
Well at least we know never to enter any forum jokes competitions.

:chuckle:

It's no competition, the fun is in the playing luv!

:D
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 30 Aug 2013 15:13 #57

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I had a wank over Jordan once!

I was arrested and detained as soon as we touched down in Egypt.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 06:30 #58

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Billy and Bertie cockroach are munching delicacies on top of a garbage pile when Billy begins telling Bertie about some new tenants in the neaerby apartments.

"I hear," says Billy, "that their refrigerator is spotless, their floors are gleaming, and there is not a trace of dirt in the whole place."

"Please, please," says Bertie, "not while I'm eating!"
A love letter to the NSA agent who is monitoring my online activity. :D


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Last Edit: 01 Sep 2013 06:32 by chandrakavi.
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 12:35 #59

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A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'
Godzone

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the arch angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the w@nkers I'm putting next to them.

I call them 'Australians'
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Just Jokes. Old, New, Whatever 01 Sep 2013 12:51 #60

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? Couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

The old oil Sheik was on his death bed and called his three sons to hear his wishes. To his oldest son he asked, "What would you desire?" The son replied " I would like to gain a business degree and run the oil company" The sheik ordered he be enrolled to Harvard University. To his second son he asked the same question. The lad who was still a teenager simply asked for $5m and a Rolls Royce car and his wish was granted. The sheik asked his youngest son, who was only 9, the same question again. The boy said " Father I would really like a Mickey Mouse outfit.. So dad bought him Australia
I Speak Four Languages Sarcasm English Profanity, And Real Shit...

When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use.
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