Haha....just got through reading this thread and you make a fab agony aunt Abs. I just hope you manage to keep the suicide rate down after all that great advice you give

Dear Aunty Abs,

What is up with my co-worker?

She oversleeps, loses her keys, but is very disciplined about keeping her iPhone handy.

Frankly, I'm tired of the long drive to work through combat traffic and sittin' around all day at a dull job, but it is a job.

I've even resorted to picking up Abs' broken beer bottles in the car park for something to do. I've fantasies of phlebotomy.

Advice?

Coco wrote:
Dearest coco,

To be frank, your co-worker is a bitch and it's high time someone told her about herself, if you ask me. In fact, you could be just the gal.

It's perfectly normal to fantasize about phlebotomy too; I often do, so you're not alone. Should you venture further down that particular rabbit-hole however, might I suggest some protective clothing and enough tarp to suitably cover a human body, just in case? Unfortunately, I speak from bitter experience...

If I were you, I'd first of all opt for a nice, big bar of soap in an old sock. It really hurts but leaves virtually nil bruising. I'd wait for the skank under cover of darkness in the car-park, then really let rip on her. Trust me when I tell you, you'll feel so much the better for it the day after, and then you can have a little chortle to yourself too, the next time you see her and she has no idea it was you. Let me know how you get on.

Much love,
Aunty Abs xxx

oioioi wrote:
Oh well, you better come right home to good, old, Blighty, then.

oi Ab's were you been ?

I was worrying about you

dawnbreak wrote:
Aww...danke. Just here and there. I'm a bit of a littlest hobo sometimes, but I always come back to the place I've soiled the most. Thank you for caring though.

Ab Origine wrote:
And I'm all out of Vimto!

vimto is there no vimto in greece?????

wankers

oioioi wrote:
You're in Greece, right? Spuds and Vimto. Double

Dear Deirdre,

I've just discovered this thread, and am searching to find words to sufficiently express my intense horror at the disgusting smut that goes on behind the closed doors of Sanctum Zone members!

I'm just shocked and appalled!

Also, perhaps you could recommend something (possibly of a chemical nature) that will deter one's husband's ardour, as one disapproves of all that messy carrying on.

So far, one's tried feigning headaches, sleep and death; garbing in Nora Batty type attire; lubing up self from head to foot in KY jelly, in an effort to make gripping impossible; beating him off with a table lamp; wearing roach repellent, tights, a balaclava and wellies to bed; plaiting one's legs together, and smearing sheep pellets abundantly about one's person.

These efforts have all been counter-productive, and seem to fuel his arousal more than ever. One can barely dodge his excited, rubber cape clad form, as it leaps, full of impetuous hope, from the top of the wardrobe, swooping momentarily, before plummeting with the grace of a lead zeppelin. Someone could be maimed.

I'm quite desperate to avoid these encounters, and am struggling with the resulting sleep deprivation and bowleggedness.

Where am I going wrong?

Yours faithfully,

Not Gilly.

Dear Not Gilly,
I can recommend the essential oil of Marjoram. A well known anaphrodisiac, I have put it to the test myself, and can vouch for its efficacy on your husband. A mere 'whiff' should suffice, even if 'disguised' along with a drop of Lavender to guarantee a good nights sleep for him.

Kind Regards
Jane's therapist hat.

next time i am in a drunken stupor (trying to work on it atm), high, or otherwise incapacitated, i'll come back and post for ur advice...please have on of the mods on hand when i do this so they can censor, cut, and generally black it out

Dear Gilly, you could always rub Fiery Jack into his undercrackers, or lure him in with the promise of a good time and then shove a wasabi nut under his foreskin.

I hope that helps. X

^ That sounds crueller than Angel's suggestion.

I like it!

it's given me an idea, as I'v several chilli plants at the moment that I've grown from seed.

StarsChildren wrote:
Are you there yet?

Gilly wrote:
not yet... i had to stop long enough to be able to work with some stuff somewhat coherently *sniff sniff*

altho i have been gettin a giggle out of ur issue n the advice coming in

yes, looking forward to it Starshine. Been having a tipple of the sloe vodka that my mum managed to palm off on me, so I'm feeling frisky.

Chilli's; yes! You could even try the old 'finger up the bum technique' after you just happen to have been chopping them. That will make the dirty devil think twice before bothering you again!

Btw, once I did a fart through my fanny. Will I get a warning for saying this on Sanctun Zone?

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
I'm not delving up there, he'll like it.

Do your gym shoes also smell of cheese?

lesley there aint shit shining here :|

gilly, put tobasco on ur finger b4 u shove it up there...he wont like it, altho he might smell it coming so ull have to be quick

Gilly wrote:
That's a great pity, and I'd like to hear more about your wicked plans.

Actually, I got rid of the old ones, but the new trainers smell like Horlicks and musty sheds.

Mr Pumpshaft has just told me that he will have hurt feelings if I don't come to bed.

I must reluctantly bid you goodnight.